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Dear You,

It's overcast out; in a place where the sun is shining (if not burning) for nearly 14/7/365, today comes slightly unexpectedly. Maybe this unease is an indicator that I'm finally getting used to my surroundings. Or maybe it's the holiday from work making me feel particularly useless. Who's to say? In any case, melancholy or not, I told you that I would give you my thoughts on current developments between us. I'd been so caught up in day-to-day affairs that I hadn't been afforded the time to give it the focused attention it deserves, but I intend to make good on my promise now.

First, let's say it outright. You lied. You lied to an entire community, you lied to those closest to you. You lied to me. Just to be clear it isn't my intention to shame you into oblivion; I couldn't think of a more nonsensical and stupid act, since it only serves to demoralize and defeat you. What possible use could I have for a defeated you? What possible use could you have for a defeated you? But I will say this: I am judging you. Others in the know are judging you as well. They're assessing you as a person and how you stack up against your own purported ideals, against their own ideals, and are performing the necessary calculus to determine whether you are someone worthwhile or not. Of course, I can't speak for the others (I can estimate, given what I'm aware of), but I can speak with certainty about what I think.

And right now, I can say with certainty that I'm uncertain. I'm torn. Right now, I am not quite sure how to proceed. With that admission, I apologize if I've been difficult for the past couple of weeks, if I've been unusually cold or particularly warm towards you. It's simply because I'm trying to suss out how to approach you, my own feelings, and the feasibility of continuing our relationship.

A large part of my hesitation stems from a violation of credibility. Given that you've told falsehoods for so long, about non-trivial matters, what guarantee do I have that you will not do it again? Especially considering the fact that I've given you several opportunities in the past to come clean when I detected inconsistencies, only to have you lie to me again while swearing up and down that you're being absolutely truthful. Those opportunities were not to be taken lightly or for granted. I do not give passes frivolously. I am saying this with zero animosity towards you, I am saying this without condemnation towards your character. Maybe you can be trusted afterall, but I am not sure if I can personally trust you again. We can be friendly towards each other, we can continue with operations as usual; I'd like that very much. But when it comes to more personal matters, there will always be an inkling of doubt in my mind as to the veracity of your claims. Taking into account how you outright took my first and even second earnest attempts of reconciliation in bad faith, I think that my confidence in you is permanently damaged. If we are to continue our relationship, that would simply have to be an accepted nuisance to bear.

Remember how I had mentioned that I wished to get to know you? That process is now complicated by your actions and is no longer guaranteed. That's an opportunity that you've robbed yourself and me of.

I'm sure I've hinted to you as much before, but I do harbor some bitterness towards you over all of this. The most obvious cause of it is due to the sheer amount of my own time and effort (though let us not forget that of others) that you had wasted. It's upsetting to think how much attention was spent deliberating on matters that were actually non-existent, and the opportunity cost incurred from not being able to address other (some of them critical) issues at the time. These losses suffered are made exceptionally hard to assume when I think about the nature of lying and its implications. It is a tremendous indication of lack of regard towards the intelligence and agency of the person you're lying to. The implication here is something like this: you do not respect the people you are lying to enough to give them the correct information for them to operate on and come to their own decisions. Instead, you think that you can somehow bend and warp the truth of reality to fit your own purposes, to affect their decision-making capabilities to suit your own ends. Effectively, you are reducing everyone you're telling a lie to to a means, degrading them from a person to mere tool or process. The bitterness is only magnified whenever I think about how many times you've told me you've respected me or others, or claimed to care for any of us. A final multiplier to all of this is the massive amount of ego and arrogance that comes with each lie. What else could characterize someone--who thinks that they can take on reality and selectively edit it for their gain--other than arrogance? Reality wins out in the end, no matter what.

Reading back on what I had written, the philosophical implications of lying make the tone much more severe than I had intended. Make no mistake, lying is a great offense but this resentment I harbor towards you has been steadily diminishing as I'm slowly coming towards acceptance of the insults. YoRHa units do not cry over spilt milk. I attribute much of this cooling off towards reflections on my own misdeeds, on my own lies. I can certainly try to understand why people lie and recognize that it can be due to a series of complex motivational factors. That's something that I'd like to hear from you at some point: your motivations. I don't expect you to get back to me on that anytime soon; we might not ever arrive at a tidy, singular answer in fact. I can accept that because living in unresolved tension is a fundamental condition of existence. I'm not sure if others can accept silence on your part and they will insist on an answer (even if it isn't fully thought-out or accurate).

On that note, let us address the others. Some of the people you lied to may not care much at all. Some of them might care quite a bit. How much they care is a function of how close they are to you and how easily they forgive. I've told you that I would not tell anyone about your indiscretions and I intend to uphold that promise. I pledged to do this partially because I wish to preserve some of your honor, but also because I'm not responsible for cleaning up your mess. Now, those that are convinced of a concept known as a 'lie by omission' could argue that by not bringing this truth to light, I'm now an accomplice and lying to everyone else as well. See how much less lying can make of you and the people around you? Anyway, I'm not entirely convinced by the notion of lying by omission, and as I've said before, it is not my responsibility to fix your mistakes. That burden is solely yours: you choose who you'd like to come clean to and to what depth. And the process should be tortuous, it should be difficult; all the more reason why I shouldn't spare you of it with my own intervention. I do, however, recommend that you confess to the people you truly do care about and value with a readiness to accept that your relationship with them may fundamentally change for the better or for worse.

None of this was meant to provide you with comfort nor cause additional distress, I am only telling you were I currently stand. Reading this, I do hope that you retain some composure, towards this end I'll summarize a few takeaways:

• As far as you and I are concerned, we're not through. Though I'd be lying if I said that our dynamic is going to remain the same. If you insist on keeping me in your life, you're going to have to accept some changes.
• You have some work to do, determining who you'd like to come clean to and then actually having those difficult conversations. I suggest going in with the mindset of expecting potentially good or bad changes.
• No more lying. It doesn't do us any good.

It's still overcast, but I want to end this on a more positive note. I'd be remiss if I failed to remind you that you and I have history together, and that it counts for something. It's my firm belief that Lunar wouldn't have stood for this long without you. You've been there every step of the way, helping me in whichever manner that you could. It isn't lost on me, not for one second. Even if my demeanor might come off as cold or even short as I might get frustrated with your personality traits (I'm sure mine frustrate you), I've never once forgotten and never will forget just how much I am indebted to you. 

In so many words, I'd like to keep you around.

-2B

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