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So here we are

Back to the start again

Trying hard to wait till morning...

What more can be said about our current situation? A great deal more to be honest. The grand question is should any of it be said? Grander still, would it make a difference? Probably not; you've made it painfully clear that you've checked out and all I ever seem to accomplish these days is hurting you more. So I'm going to hold off, despite how strongly I feel you should hear it. Maybe I should reserve it for a call sometime, though even the chance of that happening is functionally non-existent. Yet, even if I did choose to bring it up then, it'll probably only serve to add insult to injury. So there's the catch-22 of the predicament we find ourselves in, from my perspective: do I bite my tongue and let us bleed out or do I claw out both of our hearts? Meanwhile you're resolute in not improving the matter. How miserable.

In any case, I disapprove of the conclusion you've reached. Your reflection on yourself and your relationships led you to resolve that you should become more distant and cold. In truth I think it's cowardice on your part, and I'm not saying that to be needlessly insulting; I think it is sincere cowardice to refuse to open up to others out of fear of getting hurt. It speaks of a certain kind of impoverished heart and weakness of character: you cannot take on the risk that comes w/ vulnerability b/c you cannot afford to sustain the potential emotional toll. Is there so little to you that your own self must be miserly hoarded and protected? As I told you several times before, risk is part and parcel when someone chooses to genuinely love. I know, it's tough, and I've been burned enough to come to dislike it too, but those are the terms. And to think you used to get so upset whenever I doubted your love... I'm not saying this w/ triumph by any means but rather despair, but I knew I was right. Genuine love is a hard feat to pull off, more than I think you can appreciate, and it goes far beyond sheer force of asserting "I really love you.". It's so stupidly easy to profess absolute love and commitment when things are going well; entirely different story when the subject of your affection is behaving in a way unworthy of it.

But your attitude also smacks of cowardice in another manner: you lack the resolve to end things properly w/ me, opting instead to pursue this...I'm not sure what to even call it. Why on the Moon would I accept a degradation of our relationship? You expressly stated that you were going to be less loving, less caring than you originally were, and yet you wish to remain in my life. What the fuck is that? Did you honestly think I was going to accept those conditions? I'm truly dumbfounded that you thought this was a tenable solution. First, it doesn't take a degree in clinical psychology to know that kind of behavior will see to a relationship withering up and dying in no time at all. Second, no level-headed, self-respecting girl would remain in a relationship once her lover announced they were going to love her less and become distant. Third, you thought that I of all people would go along w/ this and settle for less? I've never settled for anything in my life, and I'm not going to begin making exceptions now.

No, I don't accept any of these half-assed terms. Either you come back to me correctly or we say our good-byes. From my end, I still want you in my life, I still want to love you to the fullest of my capability, I still want to struggle against our differences. Quit trying to bait me to give up on us w/ your pathetic little appeals to my agency while neglecting your own. If you want us to end so badly then muster the courage to confront me forthrightly; take ownership of your actions no matter the consequence. Short of this, if you continue to insist that I'm so terrible for you and play these moody little games of yours, then I will take bait, toss it aside, and make the decision for you: I will call the shot and put an end to everything. Time and time again you've demonstrated to me that you're immature and incapable when it comes to matters of the heart. Either prove me wrong or let this be the last time.

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